Destroyers of Continuity
by EtherealMutation
Summary: An absurdist story about the non-adventures of two over-the-top original characters with all that implies and the rejects of the Square/Disney canons as they do... stuff. See if you can guess all the myriad canons referenced. One chapter only, no sequel.


**In the spirit of "I have nothing to hide", I present my first stab at trying to write fanfiction. I wrote this a year ago on a whim and beyond fixing two sentences, I have left it largely the same. No strengthening, no shame, no sequel.  
**

**Anyway, I totally own every one of these characters. ****John Lasseter, Mary Rodgers, Jeb Rosebrook, and Masato Kato are my pseudonyms. ****Well, actually, I don't own Onyx or Moonflow. Somebody else owns those characters. Yeah. Please take them and euthanize them with extreme prejudice.**

**ETA: I'm releasing the non-derivative elements of this story into the public domain. Do what you wish.  
**

* * *

It was the usual day for our hero. Flying across the multi-verse, recruiting people to help with his quest. Today, he was flying to Another World, follow a lead for a hopeful recruit. He sips some coffee before addressing his crew.

"How long until we get to Another World, Captain Nemo?", said our hero.

"It will be another week, sir," said Captain Nemo, a bearded Brit wearing a 19th century maritime officer's uniform with a belt that has all sorts of steampunk and clockpunk inventions.

"Is there any way we could make this faster? It's been a month and I'm sick of all our DVDs," replies our hero.

"We could use the hyperdrive and be there in two seconds."

Onyx Darkshadow Abysstalon drops his coffee mug and rises out of his seat. Here stands a tall, muscular man, with long black hair covering his right eye and a scar above his left. He's wearing a black leather jumpsuit adorned with various pentagrams and elder signs and other such symbols. A thick silver chain with a locket adorns his neck.

"We've had this how long and you've never told me?" asked our hero indignantly.

"Well, we thought that you wouldn't approve of us using it and-"

"Actually, forget it. Just use the damn thing already."

Captain Nemo engages the hyperdrive, bringing the ship to Another World in 1.72 seconds. Once they arrive, Darkshadow rounds up the only other crew member, Buzz Lightyear.

"Okay," said Darkshadow, addressing his crew, "we have finally arrived at Another World. Please be careful not to fall into any dimensional portals or screw around with any timelines. This world is already unstable enough as it is and we don't need a repeat of the USS Cygnus. Milo was one hell of a crew member and who knows if that wormhole lead anywhere. We're going to beam down into a backalley in Porre. Let's start."

* * *

The trio of Darkshadow, Nemo, and Buzz appear in an alley to find a man in a blue and black uniform fighting a horde of black skinned monsters.

"Why do we always seem to end up beaming into these situations?" asks Captain Nemo, who is just ignored. Darkshadow, perhaps knowing his crew too well, turns to Lightyear.

"No, Buzz, we don't need to rescue every single person that the Heartless attack," said Darkshadow , "Especially not when the person has an excessive number of guns and is mowing them down. Let's just move on and try to find Norris."

"But that man is in danger," replies Buzz with a heroic tone, "it is our duty to rescue people in need."

"Look, I'm in charge here and-"

"Buzz Lightyear, to the rescue!" yells Buzz, powering up his arm cannon and rushing into the fray, firing wildly as Darkshadow and Nemo stare at him. Darkshadow sighs. "I'm sick of the damn Heartless being everywhere we want to be. Let's end this fast." Darkshadow and Nemo run to catch up with Buzz.

The gunman is up to his knees in Heartless when a few shadow types jump on his back. They're starting to bring him down when a few laser blasts hit them, causing them to vaporize into a black mist.

"Never fear, good citizen," said Buzz, running towards the gunman, "Buzz Lightyear of Star Command is here."

"Um, thanks," said the gunman, "but there's still a ton more just over there," gesturing down the alley towards the park. Darkshadow holds his hand out and a black, malicious looking sword materializes in it. The four of them go into battle. A couple dozen more kills, the ground bursts open and a gargantuan, dark green shelled beast spikes all over and a featureless head emerges in the middle of the square.

"Oh, hell no," said Darkshadow, annoyed.

"Looks like we're going to have to fight!" said Buzz, "okay, I have a plan to destroy this. See that cliff half a mile away? We need to lure ugly here over to it. Nemo, prepare the Nautilus to cut off the cliff once it's on it. Citizen, you and I will fire at it and draw it towards us. Are we ready?"

A loud whooshing noise is heard. Buzz looks behind him to see that Darkshadow's sword is imbedded in the skull of this creature, apparently killing it. Buzz stares at Darkshadow.

"What? I hate pointlessly long battles," said Darkshadow indignantly, "we still need to find Norris."

"That would be me," said the gunman.

"Oh, what a freaking coincidence," quips Darkshadow, "this city is several square miles large and we manage to beam straight to where the person we're looking for is fighting."

"Sarcasm aside, what do you need?"

"Let's go to that cafe over there," said Nemo, "this will take a while to explain."

* * *

Darkshadow, Nemo, Buzz, and Norris are all at a table drinking various beverages while Darkshadow explains his story. "Before I go with you on this wild expedition," said Norris, "I need to know who you are and how you ended up here."

Darkshadow puts down his coffee. "Well, it all started when I was born. I was born in a small village on this world."

"What world?" said Norris.

"I don't know what the name of it is. Nobody knows. Anyway, I was born in a small village." A flashback sequence occurs. A bright pastel town with cute creatures everywhere is shown, with all sorts of people both human and not walking around their everyday lives. "I wasn't much like the other people around there." A younger version of him, about fourteen shades darker than the rest of the world, is walking down a street while people gawk or avert their eyes from him. "Nobody really liked me," showing a scene where a yellow bird, a white bear looking thing with an antenna and wings, and a stone statue looking creature are pushing him around, "except this one girl," showing a fuscia haired girl wearing a white and red candy striped robe and carrying a staff. "She was everything to me."

"When I grew up, I became a treasure hunter just like that stupid yellow bird that was always bullying me. It was around this time that some evil creatures from another world came and started terrorizing our town. It became a race between me and that jerk to defeat the evil and become heroes of the world. He had the upper hand in having the support of almost everyone in town, but I was stronger and I figured out the weakness. Fate intervened one day while at the 32nd floor of the dungeon, though."

"We battled our way into this room. What we found was this out of place door right in the middle of the room. When we opened it, all we saw inside was just swirling clouds of blackness with random bursts of lightning. I was going to step away from it when I felt myself get shoved in. The fall felt like an eternity."

After Darkshadow is shoved in, the door slams noisily and vanishes. The girl looks at the short, mustachioed man, shocked. "Why did you do that? You might have killed him!" yells the girl at the man. "What, and let that freak save the world and marry you? Ha. Come on, we're joining the real team."

Norris butts in. "How did you know that happened after you were shoved into this door to nowhere?" he asks disbelievingly.

"I don't know," said Darkshadow, "I try not to think about such details. Anyway, I ended up where every other inter-dimensional reject ends up: Traverse Town. I spent about two weeks there as a bouncer in this bar when fate intervened. This grey haired guy that looks like a lady and was obviously hiding some sort of tail came in to play poker. He looked like a loser, so I went over to play against him. He was really awful at the game and ended up betting his ship on a pair of threes against my eight high straight. He swore revenge on me and left. That ship was the Nautilus and already had a captain, my dear friend Nemo here. We've been traveling the universe looking for people to join us on a fight against the evil that plagues my world. We heard you were skilled and unemployed, so we came here."

"Right," said Norris, disbelievingly, "and of all the worlds and all the people in this universe, you come to me?"

"I have a picture of me with my girlfriend in this locket," said Darkshadow, opening the locket on his chain. A picture of him with his girlfriend are in it.

"Dude, she must be 12 at the most," said Norris with a hint of disgust, "you must be two feet taller than her."

"She's only four years older than me," replies Darkshadow.

"I don't believe you."

"You don't have to. So, are you in?"

"I guess you did just save the world without even thinking about it. I don't think it's in my place to decline your request, so sure."

They walk outside the cafe, past the corpse of the huge creature that nobody is bothering to notice. They go back to the alley and beam aboard the ship with their next lead: a legendary swordsman at Hollow Bastion.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Hollow Bastion, a different group is working towards a similar goal.

Her name is Sapphire Moonflow Divineankh. She's an average height girl with fuscia hair and glowing violet eyes. She came from a high tech world with lots of heroes and supervillains where a lot of the action mysteriously happens around a high school. She was the adulation of everyone until one day, she accidentally opened the locker next to her's and got sucked into the black darkness. She ended up in Hollow Bastion, where she met Faris, Aeris, and Annabel. She learned that the same darkness that brought her to Hollow Bastion also threatens her home world and has been actively trying to find a way back to her world in order to save it.

One day, the four of them were out talking with total strangers to try to find information on ways back to her world. They were asking everyone in the mall while shopping one day. Sephiroth was also there to buy more trenchcoats when he saw Aeris walking on the lower floor. He yells down to her "Hey, I thought I killed you already" before jumping over the rail and impaling her on his sword.

Moonflow, shocked at seeing her best friend get impaled, draws a sparkling silver sword out of nowhere and gives chase, but Sephiroth is much too fast and he slices his way through the crowd. She trips over one of the dead bodies and loses sight of him as he runs into Marshall Field's. Her other two friends catch up with her as she runs over to the nearest living person.

"Who was that and where can I find him?" asked Moonflow to the 32 year old mom with a toddler.

"Oh, that's Sephiroth. He lives in the west wing of the castle just outside. You can get past the guards and emerge right by his chambers if you go through the sewers, but beware the sewer monster."

"Yeah," said the toddler, "he has a move that causes all the sewage to flood in your direction. You can see when he's going to do it by when he sticks all his feet in the water and stop it by casting a thunder spell on him."

"Thanks, helpful people," said Moonflow as she and her group rush out of the mall.

* * *

After a three second journey, the Nautilus is in orbit around Hollow Bastion.

"Okay, here we are," said Darkshadow to the crew, "the person we're going to try to recruit today is a swordsman known as Sephiroth. He's supposed to have a bad attitude, so please don't let him provoke you into doing something stupid. Captain Nemo, are the coordinates set?"

"Yes, sir. Right outside his door," replies Nemo.

"Excellent. Beam us down."

The four of them beam down right outside his door, then enter the room without knocking.

"Who the hell are you guys?" asks Sephiroth as they walk towards him.

"Hi, I'm Onyx Darkshadow Abysstalon and I-"

"Oh, shut up. I only know your name and I already hate you, you stupid emo boy."

"What did you call me?"

"You're some emo goth freak. Get out of my sight or prepare to die."

"That's it, YOU DIE!" yells Darkshadow, drawing his blade and rushing towards Sephiroth. Sephiroth sighs and also draws his blade. "Little goth boy is ready to die, I see." He strikes a dramatic pose, causing some fireworks to ignite around him and a symphony orchestra to the side to start playing One Winged Angel.

"Wait, this guy has a symphony orchestra to play music during his fights?" asks Norris.

"Yeah, I heard he's a bit pretentious," said Nemo.

"Our leader is in grave danger!" exclaims Buzz, "We must save him!" Buzz rushes into the battle firing wildly, but Sephiroth, without looking, bashes on the flight button, causing Buzz to rocket into the ceiling.

"Suppose we should help?" Nemo asks.

"Yeah, maybe we should," replies Norris, "I'm not getting anywhere near those two, though."

"Just shoot Sephiroth."

Norris takes a few shots at Sephiroth, missing all of them and even hitting the tuba player. The battle rages on between Darkshadow and Sephiroth, eventually ending up in the locked blades with grim faces situation you always see in the movies.

"Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias," sung the choir. Sephiroth makes an annoyed scoff. "We'll have to finish this in a minute," he said, connecting a left hook to Darkshadow's jaw and knocking him to the floor. He walks over to the orchestra.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks Sephiroth, annoyed, to the conductor. "You skipped the best damn part. You just cut from chorus two to the damn bridge. Why?"

"Well," said the conductor, "me and the boys have been talking and we thought the composition was too long. It seemed like it would be more to the point if we just cut out the non-lyrical parts."

Sephiroth glares at the conductor. "The only thing that is sacred in my world is my theme song. What gives you the right to change it without talking to me about it?"

"I tried to talk with you about it for the past two weeks, but you were always busy with trying to provoke fights. You even once said 'go away, I'm busy not listening to what you have to say.'"

"Nevermind that. What you did goes against everything holy in this universe. Everyone expects an operatic quality out of my theme song and you just killed it. I could have all of you strangle a cat and it would sound better than what you did to my damn song."

"If you'll let me explain-"

"Explain what? You took out the best damn parts. Where's the dramatic link after the second chorus? Where's the clarinet solo? And then my favorite part, where the trumpets are doing D chords and the French horns are doing AG chords, leading a crescendo to F and BC chords with a big cymbal crash. I save all my best moves for that passage and you just cut it like it means nothing."

"Sir, I-"

"And where was the damn bass? I couldn't hear any bass at all after the first chorus."

"The tuba player got shot by one of those people you were fighting."

"And that gives the cellist an excuse to slack off? You knew when you signed up that there was danger."

"Couldn't you just take a day and help us record the version you want to hear? We could make a looping CD of it."

"And what sort of operatic quality does reaching over to press a button on a CD player have? Actually, you know what? I'm sick and tired of your incompetence."

A loud slice sound echoes across the room. The conductor stands there with a look of pure horror while the orchestra looks stunned. Sephiroth looks down to see the tip of Darkshadow's keyblade protruding from his chest.

"Horseshit," said Sephiroth before Darkshadow pulls the blade out, collapsing Sephiroth to the ground.

"He's right, you know," said Darkshadow to the conductor that is just standing there shell shocked. "You really did ruin that song." Darkshadow walks away towards his companions.

* * *

"Well," said Darkshadow, "I guess we didn't get our man. Lightyear is who the hell knows where in the castle. I guess we'll have to go explore."

The trio walk towards the doors when Moonflow, Faris, and Annabel burst in. The latter two are drenched in brown water, but Moonflow looks pristine and perfect. Moonflow and Darkshadow stare at each other for a few seconds before yelling, simultaneously, "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!" Blades drawn, they rush at each other.

"What the hell just happened?" said Nemo, a bit bewildered.

"I don't even want to know," said Norris. Faris and Annabel walk over to the two.

"I see you guys took care of Sephiroth already," said Annabel, slightly disappointed.

"Ew, did you two swim through a sewer to get here?" asks Norris.

"Not so much swim as have to fight this giant shrimp that had control of the water," responds Faris.

"I think we can safely leave now," said Nemo, "I hope those two killing each other restores order to the space-time continuum. Sick of those things popping up everywhere. How about some champagne and caviar on the Nautilus? My treat." They all agree and start walking towards the door.

"Yo, maestro," yells Norris, as they walk outside, "play something for our two warriors here."


End file.
